Ann Coulter is actually a man

My theory on Ann Coulter

Let's face it, Ann Coulter is insane. She's a sensationalist, obviously. But more to the point, she's simply insane. She called John Edwards a faggot. She called the wives of victims of 9/11 whores. She calls Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff whores. But the plain and simple truth is that although she claims to be a powerful, free-spirited woman, she is, indeed, the whore--of a different variety.

Look as she is gawked at when she goes on to Fox news. But she's not gawked solely because most all the anchors on Fox haven't seen a vagina since birth (or at least one not slathered in tahini sauce and falafel crumbs...Mr. O'Reilly). Nay, she's mostly applauded by those simple-minded cromags because she says the insane shit that they all want to say but don't have the balls to do say themselves. Ultimately, she's being used by the far-right as a sensationalist mouth piece. And she loves the attention it gets her because she never got hugged as a child and the far-right loves it because they embrace any opportunity to send our country back a century in race and social relations. But that's not really why Ann is such a loud mouth. It's not simply because she needs the attention. It's not because she has a burning desire to speak her cause (is there one???). It's not because she's a fan of public discourse for the advancement of our society. It's because she, Ann Coulter, is a transvestite.

Ann Coulter was actually born Arty Coulter: a gangly, misfit boy who grew up looking too awkward to be part of the cool crowd yet too stupid to be a dork. Frustrated with his inability to find a crowd that fit him, Arty grew mean, disgruntled, and bitter towards the world which refused to label him. In his senior yeah of high school, Arty managed to become such a angry recluse that it became seemingly impossible for him to carry on a conversation, let alone find a date for the prom. But Arty soon fixed that problem. Reluctantly deciding to attend the prom stag, Arty drank the courage from a 5th of his mothers Peach Schnapps that she kept under her bed (the only thing available in his strict, blue-collar household). Whether it was the Peach Schnapps or the fear of not losing his virginity on prom night, Arty Coulter made a life-changing decision that night: Arty...became Ann.

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You see, the Ann we see today is not the product of bad up-bringing. She wasn't born to hate. She wasn't even interested in argument for the sake of argument. Nay. The only thing driving her to write her terrible books and utter that deplorable venom that reeks from her mouth is actually quite simple: her need for inclusion. And to a lesser, more subliminal, extent, a need for sexual consolation.

But irony doth always have the last laugh. Though Ann now enjoys all the positive attention in the world from meat-head, right-wing, overweight, nut jobs like Rush Limbaugh, curiously, she is still a virgin, those close to her will admit (vaginally..er...penilely at least). And all the same hatred that her male supporters echo in union with her is also the bi-product of their severe erectile dysfunction and lack of self-esteem. So the same crowd that finally included her simply doesn't have the balls to screw her. She/he is too intimidating, it seems. Frustrated, she carries on. Blindly hating where no man, or tranny, has hated before. A true freedom fighter, an even truer American: Ann/Arty Coulter.

-The Poison Dwarf